The Problem With the Catcalling Video

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b1XGPvbWn0A)

Racial VS Racism

With our society getting more and more PC, I want to clarify something. The difference between something that is "racial" and something that is "racist".

An Interview With An Old Friend

Understanding people comes from not just behaviour but intent.  The following is a conversation I had with a friend that I hadn't talked to since university.

It's Not Chivalry, It's Being A Man

There are some very basic things in a relationship that all men should follow.  These are all fairly simple and it does not require any drastic changes in lifestyle.

The Problem With Managing In China

I get asked questions like "what's the difference between managing Chinese and Westerners" or "why is it so hard to get productivity out of  Chinese workers"?  And the short answer to both of these is the same: efficiency.

The Third Major Divide Between Men and Women

Watch these first:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_lh5fR4DMA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FYQmqxQgEBY&src_vid=T_lh5fR4DMA&feature=iv&annotation_id=annotation_330695

Top 7 Excuses Women Make for Horrible Boyfriends

These are the top things said by women in bad relationships with horrible boyfriends.

My Ex Wants to Reach Out (AKA Another Gender Divide)

I was told by my cousin that my ex would like to reach out to me (have dinner). At first I thought why not? But then I asked myself, what was the point? What's the point of letting my ex back in my life? Is there any point of having an ex in your life? I think this is another point of difference between men and women.

A Huge Divide Between Men and Women

One of my managers told me about how his sister-in-law married her English husband so she could live in England (he doesn't know that reason obviously). And today I read an article with a similar bottom line: http://thoughtcatalog.com/nancy-lang/2014/08/i-didnt-marry-the-love-of-my-life-on-purpose/ . The story is about a woman who grew up with her soul mate, had a fight with him, broke up, married another man, reconnected with the soulmate, and then sat with him and watched him die of cancer. What's the similarities in these two stories? Both husbands had no idea. But the main thing I want to touch upon here is that men and women's reaction to these scenarios are decisively different. All men (judging by both the comments and my own experience counseling couples) think that what these women have done is despicably wrong. While women can be more sympathetic, quite a percentage feel the same as the men.






Men tend to see this subject as black and white. You do NOT go into a long-term relationship if you do not feel that way about that person. If you have feelings for someone else, you either come clean or break it off, it's that simple [for men]. Or, if you're in it for the green card, I'm sure there are tons of men who would happily provide that for you, but be honest! Why men feel that this is wrong is simple; it's the biggest lie you could [not] tell in a relationship. And it means you're basing an entire relationship on a lie. For both the article and my manager's s-i-l, it's absolutely repugnant because when you get as far as marriage with another person, you owe it to that person that you are spending the rest of your life with to be truthful to them. In the end, there is no excuse. You do not marry a man while calling someone else (that you have romantic feelings for) your soul mate. Any guy who truly loves you would tell you to go after your soul mate, if you come clean anyways. Because that's what love is. But then again, that's also dependent on the fact that you love and respect him enough to tell him the truth.






On the other hand, I've talked to female friends about this and while they may not do this themselves, they have friends that are in similar situations. And ladies, I guarantee you one of the first things that goes into a guy's mind when you tell him you have a friend like this is "what does it say about you that you can be friends with such a horrible person?" You have to understand that this is a cardinal fear of all men; that the woman they're in love with doesn't feel the same about them. So in relationships, short of serial killer stuff, there is nothing more disturbing to a man than something like this. And when you have friends that are like this, you need to reassure us that you aren't.






Women cry about how men are immature, but when it comes to things like this. Men are far more mature than women. We either let go, or let the woman know the truth. That is not only the morally right thing to do, it's the grown up and respectful thing to do. In a relationship, short of paternity results, there is nothing that can break up a relationship faster than this.

Don't Expect Change!

The following is an article from Shanghaiist that tells of how Wendy Deng abused and was [emotionally] cheating on Rupert Murdoch: http://shanghaiist.com/2014/02/07/vanity-fair-profile-wendi-deng-rupert-murdoch.php

This is the same as the results we've seen from years of research in psychology/sociology/psychiatry/etc.  People DON'T change!

It's a Team Effort

I've covered a bit on the individuals in a relationship.  But the fact of the matter is the most important aspect of any relationship is how the couple is together.  Many therapists still focus on making the individual person better for the relationship, but in my experience it's better to focus on the relationship of the couple together.  Sounds obvious right?

Don't Break the Cardinal Rule

In order for any relationship to even have a chance, there is one simple cardinal rule: you have to be able to agree, or at the very least, accept the other person's fundamental beliefs.  These things can be very simple and varies greatly from person to person.  You may even clash on a few things, but don't disrespect them.  Or the relationship, will NOT work.  Some examples:

Forgiveness vs Judgement

Forgiveness and Judgment have their place in life.

When I do something wrong I want forgiveness and understanding now and don’t want judgment in the same time frame. Sharing something that I feel bad about makes me vulnerable, especially because it is the harder task to complete, at least in the short term. When I share I know there are two ways that the listener could react. This is oversimplified, but the response could be one of fundamentally forgiveness or judgment. One feeling will dominate this situation, rarely will it be so clear cut -normally a mix of the two.

I wish that the process of forgiveness was as short as possible and that the judgment would cause as small an impact as possible. I think it is just as important as the listener to commit to forgiveness as it is to commit to judgment, and more specifically, commit to processing the impact of actions, both good or bad. Saying things are ok when they still have an impact is not good for you or your relationships.

Why do we shy away from hard words about actions? I guess we could talk about the relative impact of negative feedback being greater than positive impact. Within business it is estimated that negative feedback is something like 30 times more ‘powerful’ than a positive impact.
It is so easy to fall into the trap of wanting someone to do the best for us, sometimes even going so far as getting angry when they don’t. And yet, when we make a mistake, the judgment is more then unwelcome. I think the importance of processing the impact of a decision and not underselling or dismissing those actions is vital to your growth as a person and the healing of a relationship. This will also allow us to appreciate and accept forgiveness for choices that aren’t so great.

Cheating: Inside the Mind of a Guy Who Cheated

There are two broad categories of cheaters, whether male or female; those who cheat simply because they can, and those who cheat because they have genuinely been unhappy for a long time in a relationship.  (This will not cover the subject of rape which some people also consider cheating.)  Men and women tend to cheat for different reasons.  On the whole men cheat because physical needs have been unmet, and women cheat because mental/emotional needs have been unmet.  Before we go any further let me make one thing clear, it is my belief that cheating is wrong; no matter what.  It is a hurtful and childish way of dealing with things.  But I also believe that there are circumstances in which cheating becomes more understandable (not right, but understandable).

From Someone Who Despised Me to One of My Best Friends: Understanding Cheating From the One Cheated on (LONG Read)

The following is an interview with someone who is now one of my best friends (and fellow author on this blog). From the day we met, I knew we were going to be friends. However, the day we met, he hated me. This was because Seth and I were polar opposites when it came to relationships. He lived (and still lives) for long-term, serious, monogamous relationships. I avoided them like the plague (not anymore). But also at the time, Seth had recently gotten divorced because his wife who cheated on him. I had recently separated [with my wife] because I had cheated (the first and only time though). So understandably, fresh from his wound, he hated and despised me. And so, without further ado...