Understanding people comes from not just behaviour but intent. The following is a conversation I had with a friend that I hadn't talked to since university.
Sean: All right, just so we're clear, you know that I will be blogging about this right?
Cynthia: Yes, as long as you don't use any real names, I'm completely fine.
S: Great. So Cynthia, we haven't talked in about 8 years now.
C: Yes. It's been a long time! Has it really been that long?
S: Tempus fugit.
C: Yes, it does!
S: So we met when I was still in the psych programme at university.
C: Yes.
S: And you helped guide me and...I just just generally helped me.
C: I'd like to think so! Haha.
S: And we parted on very harsh terms.
C: Oh you were such an ass!
S: I was telling you the truth!
C: It wasn't what you said...well it was, but it was also the way you said it. You were so unapologetic about it. And you were so matter of fact about it.
S: Yes I was. But I was right!
C: You ended up being right and that's why I am talking to you now.
S: So what did you think of me from the start.
C: I thought "this kid is so cocky. He's way too smart for his own good." And I still believe that! And you were, and you probably still are! But you were/are so interesting. You are the many dichotomies of man personified. You could be incredibly aggressive and yet you were always so laid back. You are incredibly intelligent, yet you rarely shared your opinion in groups. You are so good at reading people and situations and yet you are so bad when it comes to girls.
S: Whoa now...
C: It's true, remember in class that one girl kept checking you out and you never picked up on it. I remember bringing it up to you and you just thought that she was being "nice". Gracious, you were stupid. It was so obvious that she wanted you to ask her out but you were so...distanced from it all.
S: I'm horrible at picking up signs from women, it's true.
C: But you are so good at reading people and situations so that was so weird to me! I thought at first that you just didn't care, but after a while I realized that you really didn't know!
S: Yeah...
C: When I first met you and you told me you could tell certain things about people just by looking at them, I thought "this kid is so full of shit". And then I tested you with random people and my friends, and the things you could tell me about them from one single picture was shocking! I have never been that surprised by a person in my life! And it wasn't because of psychological personality profiles. As you explained it to me, it was profiles that you had created in your own head. It was just so amazing how right you were about people that you had never met. And that's part of the reason why I write part of a paper on you.
S: Do you still have that paper?
C: Oh I'm sure it's still floating around somewhere.
S: Did you use my name in that?
C: No, I didn't. I thought it would have been better not to.
S: Cool. So you don't have the paper anymore?
C: Well I had it until my computer crashed and everything was gone so I got a Mac.
S: Ok, we're done here.
C: [laughs] Oh I remember how much you hate Macs.
S: Blasphemy, talking about Macs.
C: So sorry, I don't have it. But I'm sure it's on the internet somewhere.
S: Anyways, back to the topic at hand cause I know it's getting late in the States. We got along fairly well obviously, until something happened.
C: Yes. I was with my boyfriend, my soon to be ex-husband. And I wanted you to profile him and us.
S: Uh-huh.
C: And you said that he was a douchebag. Which, ok, he is. But he was also caring. And I really wanted to know if you thought that we would work out.
S: Mmm. And what did I say.
C: You said no. But it wasn't that you said we weren't going to work out that broke up our friendship. It was why. As you know, I can't have children. And you told me straight out, that he would not accept that.
S: Do you remember why?
C: Yes, you told me that because he was an orphan, and eventually adopted. That a huge thing for him would be to have someone carry on his legacy. And that because I was unable to do that, he would never be satisfied with me.
S: Mmm.
C: And you knew that I had had this discussion with Paul many times and he had said that he was ok with it. And so I thought "who is this kid who claimed that he knew my boyfriend better than me?" Because you had never met him either. And so of course I was going to believe what my boyfriend told me over some undergrad who hadn't even spoken to him. And I was so mad and hurt because it felt like you were attacking me. And it is something that's very sensitive to me so I was so mad! I wanted you out of my life because I thought you were just being incredibly negative and insulting.
S: But you know I never meant it that way.
C: I didn't feel that way. The way you said it was just so blunt, and emotionless. It was like you were reciting a grocery list. I was just shocked. And I thought, this "child", because that's how I thought of you after that. I thought you were being a child. So I thought, "this child is an idiot". And he doesn't care about me, and he doesn't know. He's just being a dick. So, I believe I walked out and never talked to you after we had that conversation.
S: Mmm. So why are we talking again.
C: Because you were right. Oh my God, I can't believe you were right! He told me a few years ago how adoption wasn't enough and he wanted his own child and it broke my heart. [Sniffles]
S: You ok? Do you need a minute.
C: Yes, just give me a second. [Pause] And when he told me that, our conversation immediately came flooding back, and I was so determined at that point to prove you wrong. We went through everything. Every doctor, every trial, every procedure we could.
S: So now, this is the reason for the divorce?
C: Yes.
S: I'm sorry. I wish I was wrong.
C: No you don't Sean, I know you.
S: I wish I was wrong for your sake. And I truly am sorry for that.
C: Thank you.
S: So why did you write me about this after all this time?
C: I was so mad when I realized we were going to divorce. And I talked to so many friends and family about it and they couldn't believe it either. But through this entire time, I thought about our conversation and how much I hated that you were right and I think some of that probably came up in the e-mail.
S: Oh yeah.
C: [laughs] But I had to know how you knew. Because I think I needed closure with us as well.
S: So how do you feel now?
C: Like I have closure. And I'm really glad I did. Thank you.
S: Thank you Cynthia. You know I have nothing but love for you and I wish you the best.
C: I know, thank you Sean.
I can profile people because I look at two things; motive/intent and behaviour. Whether I know the person, does NOT matter. If you understand people well enough, it's actually best NOT to know the people you're profiling personally so that the profile [of the person] that you come up with is completely unbiased.
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