Cheating: Inside the Mind of a Guy Who Cheated

There are two broad categories of cheaters, whether male or female; those who cheat simply because they can, and those who cheat because they have genuinely been unhappy for a long time in a relationship.  (This will not cover the subject of rape which some people also consider cheating.)  Men and women tend to cheat for different reasons.  On the whole men cheat because physical needs have been unmet, and women cheat because mental/emotional needs have been unmet.  Before we go any further let me make one thing clear, it is my belief that cheating is wrong; no matter what.  It is a hurtful and childish way of dealing with things.  But I also believe that there are circumstances in which cheating becomes more understandable (not right, but understandable).

I have only cheated once.  It was on my now ex-wife.  We had been together for about four or five years at that point.  The majority of the time was actually long distance and I had opportunities to cheat then but I never did.  When we finally decided to get married it really was just a piece of paper.  We didn't have a ceremony, there were no vows, and I had the attitude of "might as well".  I had felt pressure from both sides and believed that marriage was the "logical" next step.  I still remember the day we got her her ring.  We were fighting the entire time.  So there were a lot of signs leading up to it that I shouldn't have been doing this.  When we finally did get married nothing really changed.  There was just an escalation of all the bad things that had come before.  When I eventually moved out we had not had sex for about a year (longer than the marriage itself).  It had gotten to the point in my marriage in which every little disagreement culminated in a huge fight.  And what more, every fight, it seemed, ended with her exclaiming that maybe we should get a divorce.  We no longer really talked as she was always busy or away on business.  Our relationship had more or less dissolved into more of a roommate situation.  We'd see each other in the mornings and we'd see each other at bedtime.  It had gotten to the point where I wanted to escape.  I just didn't want to fight anymore and I just wanted to get away.  I didn't feel love or care from her and I probably acted similarly in response.

About nine months into the marriage, I met someone new.  We started off as friends and in the course of weeks we became best friends.  Right from the start there was a connection that I haven't ever felt before.  But despite this connection, it wasn't my intention to pursue a relationship.  In fact, I even tried to fix my marriage even as me and my new best friend grew closer than ever.  I tried to sit down and have real conversations with my [then] wife.  But that usually devolved into arguments about insignificant things.  And eventually I just did not have the energy to fight anymore, I gave up [on talking].  But despite this, I bought my wife gifts to try and be more loving.  I even arranged a date night.  None of it worked.  And during all this, my new best friend and I grew closer and closer until about 11 months after I got married I cheated.

As we got closer and closer my wife started worrying about my new best friend.  The fact of the matter was, there were signs.  There always are.  I can't even tell you how many people I've talked to that have been cheated on that have said "there were signs but I just chose to ignore them."  By the time I moved out about a year after I had gotten married, I was completely in-love with my new best friend (and I still am).  For me, I chose to move out because I needed space and distance to be able to see more clearly the situation I had gotten myself into.  Could my marriage be salvaged?  Was this new love worth breaking a 5 year relationship?  

As I cleared my head, I realised that although I still loved and cared about my wife, the relationship was over.  Because I was [and still am] madly in-love with this other person.  And to stay in my marriage would have been a lie and unfair to my wife.  I felt that she deserved someone that would love her and only her. So eventually we got a divorce.  And I must emphasize one point, I did not get divorced to jump into another relationship.  I got divorced because I truly believed that it was the right thing to do for both me and my ex.

For me it wasn't just about sex.  The lack of it surely didn't help but I was also emotionally drained.  It was a combination of lack of sex, absent emotional support, and the belief that I had met my soul mate that caused me to cheat.  Does that mean it was right?  No.  I should have ended my marriage before it got to that.  Or arguably, I shouldn't have gotten married altogether.  But I feel at the very least I had the wherewithal to come clean fairly quickly after it had happened and leave before any more damage could be done.  In the end, I do regret cheating and I wish I could have done things differently but what happened did happen and all I can do now is learn from it and move on.

I wrote this article not to defend my actions but to give everyone who may read this a better understanding of what may go on inside the mind of someone who cheated.  I hope that this may give those of you who have been cheated on a better understanding and bring you one step closer to closure.